Holding Pattern

It's been a rough few weeks.  I have never felt so lost in my life.  I don't really see a path and I am unsure where to go.  It's been a very overwhelming process the past few weeks as I work through my fear.  

There have been several things that have happened this month that I think help me put things in perspective.  

1. Books.  I have read 3 books the past few weeks; one about a transgender girl, one about an Italian WW2 veteran, and about multiple universe/realities.  
2. Dinner out with the girls (minus 1) that I did my Ironman with.
3. Reunited with my friend Lynzie from PT school.
4. Discussion with college BFF about Triathlon's and career. 
5. Got to go on top of Ponce Inlet Lighthouse and see the light and the moon rise.

At some point I might elaborate on the items above, but not right now.   I really struggled the past few weeks with feeling unhappy, so much so, I was afraid I was slipping into a full blown depression.  No, "full blown depression" is not a medical term, but to me, it's a state of multiple weeks of sadness and difficulty finding pleasure in any activity.   While I do experience these symptoms more than I would like to admit, there are certain things that I force myself to do to try to prevent myself from falling into a full blown depression.   

I don't know why, but I have a hard time recovering or moving on from the way things used to be.  I don't want to say that I am afraid of change or can't deal with change.   I feel that I have strong emotional ties to my experiences and after those experiences are over -- it's almost crushing to me that it is over.  I wrote this blog tonight because I want to address the intense feelings I go through when certain experiences are over -- and I hope that through bringing awareness I will be able to learn how to look at my life experiences differently.

The biggest depression I experienced in adulthood was after my Ironman.   I was injured soon after my Ironman and couldn't get back into training.  I would ride my bike until my left foot and leg was burning in pain and I couldn't ride one more stroke & had to have someone come pick me up.  I signed up for 2 full Ironman's and a half Ironman that I never did.  I went from feeling like a super hero to absolutely nothing.  It's been 5 years since my Ironman and part of me misses that time in my life.  I would love to experience the feeling of accomplishment, strength, and determination all over again, but I also don't see myself training without my triathlon group that no longer exists. It was one of the best experiences of my life that I do not think will ever be matched if I did another Ironman. 

As I heal through my divorce and figure out where I am supposed to go next, I realize that I must find a way to be grateful for the awesome experiences I have had instead of spending so much time mourning they are over.  I need to really work on understanding that each experience will prepare me for what is next in my life even if I can't always connect the dots.   

There will be experiences and relationships that serve a purpose and are needed at certain times in life.  Although I don't like it, I need to accept that as I change and grow to be the best person I can be, my experiences and relationships will change.   For me, that is difficult to digest.  I wish I could bottle up and be able to re-live the experiences the exact same way and keep all my relationships as close as they are at their best.   I know that's not possible, but I get frustrated sometimes because I feel so many emotions, way more than most people.  I am sensitive and hurt when I probably shouldn't hurt.  

We never know what will happen next, what we will see, and what important person will come into our life, or what important person we will lose.  Life is change, constant change, and unless we are lucky enough to find comedy in it, change is nearly always a drama, if not a tragedy.  But after everything, and even when the skies turn scarlet and threatening, I still believe that if we are lucky enough to be alive, we must give thanks for the miracle of every moment of every day, no matter how flawed. " -Pino Lella 

I can't help that I want to do big things and I won't stop doing big things.  I just need to expect that there are going to be periods that the path to my next big thing isn't that clear - a holding pattern. 

Do not follow where the path may lead.  Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." -Doug Larson